A therapist describes ways to reduce contact with a draining relationship, track how the change feels and adjust boundaries over time.
Reducing contact with your mother can make room for your own needs while preserving parts of the relationship that matter to you. The right amount of contact depends on your circumstances: you may rely on her for financial help, health insurance, cultural ties or connections with other relatives. Or you may want some distance without ending the relationship. Low contact can be one way to find a balance.
The term “quiet quitting” began as a description of doing only what a job requires, without taking on extra work. It has since been applied to relationships, including romantic relationships. In a relationship with a parent, the idea is to reduce the interactions or personal information that leave you feeling depleted. As described by the author of Motherf*cked: How to Keep Your Mother’s Toxic Drama From Ruining Your Life, staying connected can make sense even when the relationship is exhausting.
Low contact is personal
There’s no single definition of low contact, says therapist Whitney Goodman, LMFT, who discussed the approach in an interview for the book. For one person, it might mean avoiding visits alone but keeping in touch by text or email. Another might make occasional phone calls or send greeting cards. Some people may still meet in person but choose not to share details about their lives. Contact could happen weekly or as rarely as once a year.
The point isn’t to meet a particular standard. It’s to notice which interactions feel painful or draining and consider whether taking space could give you more time and emotional energy for your own needs and other parts of your life. Goodman says stepping back may be worth considering if spending time together leaves you exhausted, you’re frequently stressed about the relationship, or previous attempts to set limits haven’t worked.
Start by looking at past boundaries
Low contact is one way of setting a boundary: deciding what you will accept and what you will do when an interaction crosses a limit. Before changing your routine, think about how your mother has responded to boundaries in the past.
Perhaps you’ve tried not to answer every call or have said you don’t want to discuss your dating life. Consider what happened next. If your mother accepted those limits, you may need fewer changes to make contact feel manageable. If she repeatedly ignored them, you may find that firmer limits are needed to protect your time and emotional wellbeing.
Choose which interactions to change
Take stock of the contact you have now. How often do you see each other? What happens during those visits? Do you answer every message or allow unplanned visits? Then identify the interactions that take the most out of you. Ask yourself whether reducing one of them might make the relationship less taxing.
You can start with a small change. For instance, pause to check how you feel before responding to a text. If you don’t have the energy to reply, you could wait. If that doesn’t give you enough space, you might set a personal limit on how many messages you answer during a particular period. You can reassess later and decide whether to change another part of the routine, such as visits that happen without notice.
Treat these adjustments as experiments. You’re gathering information about what amount and kind of contact feels sustainable, rather than trying to fit a label. The useful question is whether a particular change helps you feel less overwhelmed while leaving room for the parts of the relationship you value.
Decide whether to explain the change
You don’t have to formally announce that you’re reducing contact. A conversation may be useful if your plans require your mother to change her behavior, and if you feel safe having that conversation. Explaining what you’re changing and why may also help clarify what’s behind the decision.
But if the changes are yours to make—such as sharing less about your life or skipping certain events—Goodman says you may not need to discuss them in advance. You might also prefer not to revisit painful experiences or explain a decision you’ve already tried to communicate. If your mother asks why you’re not attending a family gathering or discussing a personal topic, you can choose how much to say. You might give a brief explanation, say you’re no longer doing that, or choose not to elaborate.
Notice how the change affects you
Pay attention to your feelings as you adjust contact. Writing in a journal, using an app to track mood or discussing the experience with a therapist can help. Goodman suggests looking beyond feelings that seem directly tied to your mother. Changing a longstanding relationship pattern can bring up uncertainty or a sense of loss, even when you believe the change is right for you.
You may miss your mother, or miss the kind of relationship you wish you had. That doesn’t automatically mean you should return to the previous level of contact. Look for patterns over time: when an arrangement is helping, difficult feelings may become less frequent or less intense, and you may feel more relief, peace or room to focus on other parts of your life.
Adjust the plan as you learn
A low-contact arrangement may be working if it feels sustainable, reduces the stress or preoccupation surrounding the relationship, and your mother respects the limits you’ve set. If she continues to cross those boundaries, or contact still leaves you feeling drained, anxious or depressed, Goodman says you can revisit your plan and consider reducing other forms of contact.
There’s no need to assume that one arrangement will work forever. Keep checking what feels manageable and adjust as circumstances change. The aim is to reduce stress around interactions with your mother while making space for the parts of the relationship you want to keep.
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